If you’ve been a long time follower, you’ll know that I’ve been on a journey to finding some kind of peace when it comes to both my mental and physical health, the latter determining the former and ending in a vicious cycle of what felt like never ending torture.
One of the main goals I had for 2019 was to travel somewhere on public transport where I would never normally go on my own, that place being a hospital appointment in London at UCLH to see my movement disorder specialist.
A year ago, this kind of goal would have been inconceivable. I was a quivering mess and could barely even walk into the shop from my car alone, let alone navigate the busyness that is the London Underground. But a goal of mine it was and I’m proud of myself for going ahead and doing it today.
I’ll be honest and say that the circumstances meant I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, everyone that would usually come with me was working or had other plans and I wasn’t going to ask someone to spend the nearly £30 in train fare it costs for us to get there from my town (I would have offered to pay if Christmas wasn’t so soon!) – so alone it had to be.
In the days leading up to my appointment, I felt a sense of calm come over me – I was ready to do this and the medication that my doctor had prescribed me and slowly increased in a little over a year since I initially met him, had changed my life in indescribable ways. Mundane tasks and outings that most people take for granted felt like great accomplishments, the new job I have is something I never thought I would be able to do and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. So why wouldn’t this particular appointment be the perfect chance to put everything to the test?
Come Monday morning I won’t lie and say I wasn’t anxious. I jumped into a taxi to the train station and felt my heart pounding as I waited in line to buy a ticket, chastising all the old biddies in my head for taking forever to buy their tickets and probably paying in pennies. Finally my turn, I was up and off like a flash, down the stairs to the platform (not in a flash as I wasn’t going to tempt fate by making a tremble episode come on), before hopping onto the train and settling down with a book on my phone.
I started to calm down a bit more by this point and had been listening to my favourite podcast by Emma Guns with guest Mally Roncal, which I have to say truly saved my brain from completely frying when I’d finally made it onto the tube and almost missed my stop – this would have usually sent me into a meltdown, but Emma and Mally’s inspirational and calming voices kept me in check, stopping me from going insane and for that I’ll always be grateful. If you’ve not already had a listen to Emma’s podcast, make sure to check it out here (she covers everything from beauty and skincare to diet and mental health) and give the inspiration that is Mally Roncal a follow on Instagram here – she’s an established makeup artist to the stars with her own beauty brand Mally Beauty, as well as being a Positivity Preacher (and isn’t she just?!)
After then I felt a whole lot better, crossing the road like anybody else and flapping around when I couldn’t find where my appointment was supposed to be – I’d finally done it! After that little wobble the rest of the trip went smoothly, I hopped back on a tube to King’s Cross, picked up a wrap from Pret and mooched around the shops before jumping back on the train home to be picked up by Aaron from the station.
Now this night sound like the ultimate boring day to you and for that I’m sorry, but I’m still bloody proud of how far I’ve come on my mental health journey and conquering one of my biggest fears (heights is still 1000% at the top of the list).