I don’t know about you, but I sometimes get the feeling that I’m just a bit “average”- I don’t feel beautiful on the outside, I feel just… okay. Now, this isn’t me seeking approval, more of seeking common ground with others that might understand what I’m getting at. I know that sounds superficial, but we live in a pretty superficial world where comparison is the devil, only made worse by the monster of social media. I know there are bigger problems than my struggle with how I look, but stick with me.
I don’t run away from the mirror in horror at how ghastly I am (I wouldn’t say I’m ghastly lol), but I also don’t rate myself very much, which is probably a reflection of my stunted growth on the dreaded Instagram. I’ve got more followers than many of your average Joe’s, but not in comparison to those in the blogging world.
Not to say there’s anything wrong as such, I’ve got nice hair, a young looking face (although I don’t get asked for ID as much as I used to 😉) with eyelashes a lot of girls buy mascara to get, I just don’t see myself as a head-turning, jaw-dropping, “my god she is stunning” kinda gal. It’s a hard feeling to describe – I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is or if it’s just my mind being warped by everything I see online, but it’s definitely something I’ve always felt, even when I was at school. That feeling has just intensified since I started this blog which is a shame as I bloody love writing on here so much – so what’s the deal?
In order to grow your audience and socials in the blogging world, you need to have an awesome life (in terms of what you share anyway), but my reality isn’t like that. I work a 9-5 job, I’m crippled by my fear of going out alone only for my fucking annoying leg tremble coming out to say hi, I’m saving for a mortgage and have bills to pay so can’t splash the cash on high end designer gear or regular lavish holidays, I’ve got hormonal acne which always shows up in pictures no matter how hard I try to hide it and just don’t have a life that many people would aspire to (superficially anyway – I’m so blessed in that I have an amazing marriage to my gorgeous, kind, hilarious childhood sweetheart that definitely doesn’t share this opinion, supportive family and friends, a roof over my head, food in my belly and an okayish paying job – who wouldn’t want that?)
We all have our hang ups and issues, I know that and I’m sure you do too – just have a look at the thousands of posts about mental health awareness online and you’ll see it’s a huge conversation that keeps getting louder to a point where it can be deafening. So what’s my problem?
I’m tuning into the lives of people living what I sometimes see as the unattainable, pipeline dream. I know I’m a good writer, I make people laugh and have stepped up my content in the last 18 months – but how can I make myself stand out and encourage people to want to read when I’m just a bit average? The days where your hometown girl goes viral online have passed, I feel like I missed the last train to success in the blogging world and it’s gutting. I do feel like I need to kick the can and get on with my life sometimes, but I’ve come so far; what if it finally happens? What if I get a big break and can take this full time? I don’t care about the free stuff, but this is honestly the only thing that I’ve felt a calling for, that is well and truly me, the one thing I do (other than Aaron 😉 – wheyyy) that makes me happy.
I can’t dedicate the time this needs to get it off the ground in the way that I want to right now, so I’m starting to accept the fact that it might not happen for me and I’m okay with that. Everyone grows at their own pace, so I’m not going to force anything. I’ll continue to remain genuine, not buy followers or play the follow/unfollow game to inflate my numbers (yes, it’s extremely obvious who is doing this to us bloggers) and get excited when my monthly stats are a little bit higher than they were in the previous month.
Sometimes I think I’m done with trying to make Instagram happen (“STOP TRYING TO MAKE INSTAGRAM HAPPEN, IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN” – a little spin on a classic quote for all you Mean Girls fans out there), but when it hinders what opportunities I can go for, I end up caring again. God it’s a vicious cycle.
Anyway, that’s enough of the pity party, there are far more concerning things happening in the world and I’m going to go ahead and assume my feeling average probably isn’t one of them.
Let me know in the comments if you can relate to this post (blogger or not, I’m sure it’s not just us lot that feel like this!) and whether you’ve powered through!