Not feeling pretty 

Not feeling pretty 

You probably read the title and thought what the fuck is she talking about now? But as I sit here on the sofa in the early hours of a Saturday morning, I can’t help but feel disgusting. 

I’ve been ill for over 11 weeks now and just don’t feel very pretty. I’m yellow from jaundice, my skin is covered in scratches, spots and blisters and to top it all off I’ve lost a hell of a lot of weight since becoming ill (which doesn’t look very nice on me seeing as I’m pretty small anyway). 
We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others and I can appreciate that everyone has hang ups about themselves – some people are just more vocal about them than others.
I’ve never really been self-conscious about my body, but over the last few weeks I’ve been conscious of baring my legs to the world because of the scratches all over them. 
The reason I don’t want to? No, not because I’m shallow and think everyone should be judged on how they look, but I hate it when people feel sorry for me and I become so bloody awkward if someone says I don’t look well.
For example, I went really pale because I’m 99% sure I was having a panic attack about another seizure happening at work (its around the time gap that I had my last one so I’m quite on edge about it)  and I had to laugh it off and reassure the worried person that I was fine. 
But really I think my issue is that I don’t want other people to worry about me because that makes me worry about me (if that makes any sense whatsoever lol). I’ve become such a hypochondriac that any passing comment from someone sticks in my mind and replays over and over so much that I can’t function properly. 

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom last week and truly saw how ill I look. Which was something I found really difficult to swallow.   
Spots galore and hormones aren’t helping matters either – there’s nothing more deflating than looking in the mirror to find yet another bastard spot has erupted on your face. If anyone has any tips to help with hormone related breakouts – hit a girl up! 
I wanted to share this as I think it’s good to be open about these things – I don’t want people getting the impression that my life is amazing and I don’t care about shit like this because I’m human and I do. 

9 Comments

  1. Kerri-ann
    August 30, 2017 / 5:23 pm

    You are not shallow at all darling. You are the most beautiful yellow tinged person that I know 😘xxx In addition to being beautiful inside and out, you are one resilient,clever,funny bunny and I’m extremely proud of how you are battling on. Keep being awesome xxx

    • August 30, 2017 / 8:51 pm

      Thank you Kerri-Ann, hard to not feel shitty sometimes! But it’ll pass eventually! Xxx

  2. August 30, 2017 / 10:48 pm

    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Hang in there, you are a ridiculously beautiful girl

    • August 31, 2017 / 5:28 pm

      Thank you lovely – I know I’ll get there in the end xxx

  3. August 31, 2017 / 2:36 pm

    We all go through it. I’ve struggled with acne for the past 11 years(I’m 24) and have only found relieve, and it’s literally the inside of an aloe leaf(I cut a fresh one and rub it all over my face). There’s times where it gets worse and then better but this has helped me more than anything.
    That being said, I’ve been called anorexic in the past despite being most certainly NOT and it really has affected me. Now that I’m gaining weight in places I hate(literally the belly, the upper arms, and my chin everywhere else is chill) that if I do anything to impede that gain, people are going to lose their shit. So then I feel like if I avoid bad foods, I have to kinda do so in secret- so, like, secret dieting or whatever, which screams anorexia to me, but I love food and literally just want to workout and eat cleanly with occasional treats. 😑 We all go through trials of not feeling pretty but with determination, we will grow more confident. Moisturize your legs to help them heal and eat plenty of fresh produce- take care of yourself. *hug*

    • August 31, 2017 / 5:28 pm

      Thank you lovely! I know it won’t be forever, but know what you mean about the skinny thing!! It makes me laugh because people wouldn’t ever say that to someone that had gained weight but feel it’s okay to do so to someone slim!

      • September 3, 2017 / 12:38 pm

        And it does just as much psychological damage, perhaps even more so because no one takes those hurt feelings seriously. 😕
        We just have to work on loving ourselves more than anything. :3

  4. August 31, 2017 / 6:49 pm

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You are not shallow and you shouldn’t feel like you are not good enough. xx

    • August 31, 2017 / 7:03 pm

      Thank you lovely, I know it’ll pass eventually! Xx

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