Not feeling pretty 

You probably read the title and thought what the fuck is she talking about now? But as I sit here on the sofa in the early hours of a Saturday morning, I can’t help but feel disgusting. 

I’ve been ill for over 11 weeks now and just don’t feel very pretty. I’m yellow from jaundice, my skin is covered in scratches, spots and blisters and to top it all off I’ve lost a hell of a lot of weight since becoming ill (which doesn’t look very nice on me seeing as I’m pretty small anyway). 

We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others and I can appreciate that everyone has hang ups about themselves – some people are just more vocal about them than others.

I’ve never really been self-conscious about my body, but over the last few weeks I’ve been conscious of baring my legs to the world because of the scratches all over them. 

The reason I don’t want to? No, not because I’m shallow and think everyone should be judged on how they look, but I hate it when people feel sorry for me and I become so bloody awkward if someone says I don’t look well.

For example, I went really pale because I’m 99% sure I was having a panic attack about another seizure happening at work (its around the time gap that I had my last one so I’m quite on edge about it)  and I had to laugh it off and reassure the worried person that I was fine. 

But really I think my issue is that I don’t want other people to worry about me because that makes me worry about me (if that makes any sense whatsoever lol). I’ve become such a hypochondriac that any passing comment from someone sticks in my mind and replays over and over so much that I can’t function properly. 

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom last week and truly saw how ill I look. Which was something I found really difficult to swallow.   

Spots galore and hormones aren’t helping matters either – there’s nothing more deflating than looking in the mirror to find yet another bastard spot has erupted on your face. If anyone has any tips to help with hormone related breakouts – hit a girl up! 

I wanted to share this as I think it’s good to be open about these things – I don’t want people getting the impression that my life is amazing and I don’t care about shit like this because I’m human and I do.